Some Things I’ve Been Working On

So, recently I’ve been writing lots and lots of poetry. Either to perform or just to get some feelings out there into the universe. Writing is one of my favorite ways to express emotion. Words hold so much weight. I’ve decided to share some writing with you today,

(all from my journal)

When you spend your first night with him, drinking on his roof, know, the stars will never look the same.

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When you wake up in the morning craving cigarettes and caffeine, you’ll remember how he smoked menthols, and how much you hated it.

You won’t understand his art until he leaves. Screen Shot 2017-02-26 at 10.50.13 PM.png

You’ll see cries for help in his drawings, his paintings were the only medium of destruction that didn’t result in complete catastrophe.

You’ll blame yourself for his indifference, but eventually you’ll come to realize that you can’t save someone who won’t accept help.

You burned too brightly and he thrived in darkness.

For a while, you’ll keep looking for him. As you roam the streets at 3 AM listening to playlists he made for you.

Get rid of his old clothes. How can you expel him from your dreams if you wear his t-shirt to sleep every night?

Delete your old messages, yes voicemails too.

Wash your sheets and buy new candles, rid the room of the notes he’d leave in your notebook or next the the coffee you drank in the morning.

Dye your hair, pierce your ears, get a tattoo, do everything he never wanted you to do.Screen Shot 2017-02-26 at 10.52.07 PM.png

Be your own hero.

Make yourself a priority, this is YOUR time.

Thank you for reading a little piece of my heart

endless love,

matenia

(photos not mine!!!)

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love letters 3: Mimi

I have turned writing love letters into a therapeutic way of coming to some sort of terms with different situations, or inviting new things or people into my life. That is what this series is about.

The following letter was written by one of the most inspiring,supportive friends I have, Mimi.

A Love Letter and A Forewarning,

To say that everyone who meets him falls in love with him is an understatement. He isn’t a young man, he is an idea. The simple idea of him is what fascinates people. His presence alone draws more attention to him then anything he could do, say or wear. He could light up a room as soon as he merely even thinks about setting foot in it.

The first time I ever laid eyes on him, I was hooked. That single moment gives definition to the animalistic instinct of sex. For all I know, he is sex. It’s not that he is anything that the world hasn’t seen before. In fact, he is stunningly average. He isn’t too tall or fit, and his hair flows and curves to his right as does every other man who follows trends. His eyes are ordinarily brown, but if you look into them for too long, you could easily read the inside of his mind like an open book.

Screen Shot 2017-02-23 at 1.15.34 PM.pngHis lips, perfectly nude, sit on his face in a slight smirk, that makes every remark that leaves them inviting. His ivory skin is covered in randomly placed tattoos that are clearly marks of significant times, maybe from his travels. Although they don’t flow together on his skin, they all mean something different, leaving anyone who sees them wondering. If you are to catch him during a season in which he sports a dark beard to match his head, you are in luck. The facial hair adds mystery, as if he even needs anything to make him even more desirable.

To any friend or peer of his that gets the opportunity to make him smile: good luck. Once you make that man smile, there’s nothing you would rather do than that exact thing that made his face light up. That alone is an accomplishment. His actions are even more beautiful than he himself.Screen Shot 2017-02-23 at 1.17.36 PM.png

The way he removes his cigarette from his smooth lips, flicking it every so slightly to ground, then crushing it beneath his worn out boot can make any girl swoon. His dark eyes, lifting up slowly from behind whatever book he holds to catch yours is dangerous. If you don’t fall in love with him at that moment, then consider yourself indestructible. After you meet him, brace yourself. You will forever have the urge to figure out every single thing that makes him tick. You’ll find yourself wondering why it is that he values his own words, what it is that he writes in that journal, who inspires him, what his lips feel like and who the lucky girls are that have experienced him in any and all states of vulnerability.

To say you want him is an understatement. No one wants him: they need him.

They need to know why his brows furrow when he seems someone pass by him, they need to know what it feels like to be unconditionally loved or quickly used for a cheap thrill. Either ending is a just as good as the other. You will loose your sense of self-worth as soon as you set eyes on him. Being loved by him is as much of a dream as being used for whatever it is that he wants. To put it simply, being in his presence in whatever way possible is experiencing what it means to be his.

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Go ahead. Press your lips together as hard as you can when he is near, in attempts to make sure you don’t blurt out how badly you want to know what lies beneath his heart. Refrain from the desire to dig into that beautiful mind and unravel every secret he keeps behind those dark eyes.

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Here is your forewarning: prepare yourself to give it all up for him. Once you get a millisecond of his seemingly coveted attention, you’re hooked. Just like me.

Show Mimi love: twitter :@mimicotoIG:@mimi.coto

(photos not mine!!)

my heart n soul,

Matenia

Vday

Valentine’s day just passed, but you should love yourself and others EVERY day. In the spirit of the day I decided to make a nice little playlist for you,your significant other, or better yet, all your friends. These are some of my favorites at the moment, enjoy

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Vday

Moonlight in Atlanta-Russ

Baby Boy- Childish Gambino

Cosmic Love- Florence +the Machine

Wicked Games- The Weeknd

No Police- Doja CatScreen Shot 2017-02-15 at 8.57.52 PM.png

Location-Khalid

Blue Dream- Jhene Aiko

Ivy- Frank Ocean

God is Fair,Sexy Nasty-Mac Miller ft. Kendrick Lamar

Use Me- Miguel

Juke Jam- Chance the Rapper

Tennessee-Kiiara

Congratulations- Mac Miller

Wednesday Night Interlude-Drake

Reminder- The Weeknd

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Hope you enjoy, happy vday, remember to give yourself luuuuuuv all the time

my heart n soul,

matenia

Learning to Love Myself (pt. 1)

This is an insanely personal post, but I’m tired of holding it in.

All cards are on the table now, I hope this helps someone who needs it.

Pt. 1

The first time I remember feeling guilty about my weight, I was 9 years old. I was ridiculed for being chubby, I was embarrassed by family constantly saying I would grow out of it. But they never made comments about my male cousins.

When I was 12,boys at school never said it to my face, but they made jokes about my weight and I would hear them snicker at lunchtime.

At age 14, I decided to take matters into my own hands. As a freshman in high school, you’re willing to do anything to fit in.

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My eating was disordered.

My weight slowly inched, my self esteem quickly fell.

Fuck counting numbers, I counted calories.

I spent more time next a porcelain bowl, then I did studying, or with my friends.

I was thrown into a whirlwind of sadness and I became quickly desensitized to feeling anything.

I mean that was my only choice, It was a my way of survival.

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I became so infatuated with being thin, health didn’t matter. I never made it to a goal weight, but I ruined myself. I destroyed my stomach and my nails became brittle. I hated doctors and would never allow myself to see nutritionists.

I was sick, but I refused to tell anyone, solely because I wasn’t “sick enough to have an eating disorder”.

When you think of that you immediately think of bone thin beings with paper skin and shallow cheek bones.

But a disorder doesn’t discriminate. A disorder makes a host out of any body it latches itself onto. 

What deteriorated most wasn’t my physical appearance, it was my mind. 

I lost sight of everything that had once been important. I was terrified. And I hated who I was.I lived life wishing and praying I was someone else, under other circumstances, in a different situation.

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However, this is not a glorification of my sadness or my pain, this is an understanding that everything I went through, was necessary for me to be who I am today.

There was a light at the end of the tunnel, despite my many attempts to ignore it.

Opening up to someone is the most terrifying thing to ever do. It is also the most important and rewarding experience.

Feeling like nothing for 5 years is mutilating to your emotional, spiritual, and physical being. Learning to let go of things and forgive yourself saved me and many others like me. 

Hearing people’s stories and then sharing your own is such a powerful experience.

You regain everything you may have lost.

Loving yourself is not an easy thing to do, especially now, but it’s time to regain your sense of self and purpose. Its the most indescribable, incredible feeling.

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*Pt 1 of the series “learning to love myself”*

my whole heart and soul,

matenia ❤