love letters 4: Brittani

I have turned writing love letters into a therapeutic way of coming to some sort of terms with different situations, or inviting new things or people into my life.That is what this series is about.

The following letter is one written by my friend from high school, Brittani.

“A love letter to You”

“Dear You, 

I used to question everything. I couldn’t even manage to believe that my heart would continue to beat if I didn’t remind it to. I lived inside of my bones, shrunk until I confused sinking with growth. I made a home out of sadness, became content with the reality of never being enough. I let my soul spin like a particle of dust in the worlds light. I often prayed for God to take it back and give it a second chance at life.10

When you met me I had folded myself so small, you held me in the palm of your hand. You looked at me the way the moon gazes upon the waves.

6

As you fought to bring me in, I pulled away. My vastness flooded the world that you had come to know.

You wondered how a being so fragmented could carry the universe as if it were a tiny pearl. I spoke to you in metaphors and I even tried to make you one, but you crawled through my cracks and you stretched your arms until every wall fell into submission.

You gave me wisps of your soul, so thin they seeped into my pores. You smoothed the creases in my skin and taught me how to wear it. You gripped my heart until it learned to race. Fed me I love you’s to fill every hollow space. You’d hold me when I’d begin to shake, watch the light leave my eyes and beg me to stay. You tried so hard, but you could never manage to take it all away. I was a puzzle that you would never come close to solving. I watched you begin to doubt if you could ever be the one. You didn’t understand why I was like that. To you it didn’t make sense that I could be so broken.

There is never a right time to disclose mental illness, but I had to free you of your burden. 5
You sentenced yourself to caring about something irrevocably damaged. I talked myself out of good things and hid from happiness. I knew the only thing that could hurt more than “what if” was “what is,” so I never let anything become. You’d tell me I was pretty and I’d say that I was not… maybe if I deflected enough you’d stop. I never believed in the shattered having the ability to heal.

I begged you to let me go and fall in love with something living.I wanted you to experience the endless possibilities swirling in the golden specks that dotted the evergreen of your irises, but you clung to me like the stars hang on to the darkness of night. You drank my pain and caressed my mind. You emptied yourself so I could pour my past into you. You carried me until I found my footing, took my hands and gave my fingers a home in the space between your own. I was a stranded essence in a sinking boat, until you became my oars.4

I never believed that I could be deserving of love. I never expected you to stay when I told of the place from where I came. I thought no one would ever comprehend the feeling of being trapped in my own head. I never thought I’d know what it felt like to stand. I will never be perfect, but you have shown me the beauty of brokenness. You’ve given me the gift of a life I never thought I’d have. You saw the storm and walked right in, grew found of the thunder and kissed the lightning. You took my rain and made a forest grow. You picked up all my shards and strung a necklace, you hung it like a medal just beneath your throat.

Everything I’ve felt in life has been an extreme. I lived not being able to decipher reality from hellish dreams. You found me when the whole world had given up its search. Consider this a million I love you too’s for all the times I just couldn’t find the words.8

-Me

Show Brittani some love!!!: Instagram @brittani.renee

 

 

(photos not mine)

my heart n soul,

Matenia

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